you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this hospital has no fireball
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
