I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
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Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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