Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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