first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
