We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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