Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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