I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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