Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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