You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
