Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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