Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
