what day is it and did you see me today?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
