so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
