my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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