no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
