I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
