How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
