i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
