not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
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Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
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You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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