literally had 100 drinks last night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
