So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
