My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
