They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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