just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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