shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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