Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
