I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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