So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
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Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
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Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea