All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.