I wanna bring you to show and tell
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place