if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk