Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
