There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
