i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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