new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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