I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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