my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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