So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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