I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
