i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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