obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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