I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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