Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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