she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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