This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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