i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
