There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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