Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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