So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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