Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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