im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
