I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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