and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
