someone owes me an orgasm
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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