I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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