You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
