Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
