Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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