you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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