there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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