I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I could make wine with my vomit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
