after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
